Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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