yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i think i have herpe
just one?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
