You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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