Got a toothbrush?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
