I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
