you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
