I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
