I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
