I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
