I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
