There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
