answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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