East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
