is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
