Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
