I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
