He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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