I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
