We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
