So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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