Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your penis caused this!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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