But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
