Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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