...so i touched it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
