The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
