I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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