Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
