Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
