did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
