the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
