sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
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Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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