need another drink. this is the easiest way
4 words: hood of his car
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
