My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
