I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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