dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
