I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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