I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize