dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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