And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
