now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
