Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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