she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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