I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
