If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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