fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
