Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
