Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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