My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
