My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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