the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
