my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
