I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
