Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
